OCEAN'S ELEVEN-type movies have done great at the boxoffice. Even OCEAN'S THIRTEEN made money and that was awful. Audiences love glitzy caper movies even if the capers are completely ridiculous. A couple of years ago my writing partner David and I wrote a pilot for Fox called ODDS about an all-night diner just off the Vegas strip that catered exclusively to the locals. One of our running bits was that they were always cooking up schemes to knock off the Bellagio themselves. Here’s an example. And no, the pilot didn’t get made, and yes, it should have. You're welcome to try any of these capers. Let me know how it goes. INT. DINER AT THE COUNTER, TARA (A BRITTNEY SPEARS IMPERSONATOR), DAVE (A BLACKJACK DEALER WHO ALSO MARRIES COUPLES) AND JEFF (A BAD COMIC) ARE IN MID-CONVERSATION.
JEFF
Y’know, I was on stage tonight and it hit me how we could knock over the Bellagio. We break into the surveillance system, then send subliminal messages to the guards. We hypnotize them. And here’s the genius of it – the GUARDS then take out the money. We wait at the side entrance in a Brinks truck and then off we go.
DAVE
So you need an electronics expert to break into the system, a Brinks truck and a hypnotist?
JEFF
There’s one at the Stardust who’s great. He can get people down to their underwear.
DAVE
What about when they’re not drunk?
JEFF
Oooh, problem.
TARA
Come on, you gotta get real. Here’s what we do: We get an impersonator to pose as a rich Arab Sheik. He lands in a helicopter on the roof of the hotel. They put him up in the Presidential suite. We have somebody go through the ventilation system with sleeping gas, knock everybody out. Then we bring the money up and hide it in the room. While everybody’s running around town looking for it, we just check out, carry it into the helicopter and away we go.
DAVE
Where we gonna get a helicopter?
TARA
Maybe we can just talk a pilot into doing us a favor.
DAVE
Or…you hypnotize him.
ROSIE (AN AFRO BORN AGAIN WAITRESS-BOXER WANNA BE) HAS OVERHEARD.
ROSIE
Every night I listen to these nitwit schemes. As if getting all that money would actually make you happy.
TARA
You’ve taken a few blows to the head, haven’t you, Rosie?
ROSIE
I’m just saying, there are more meaningful ways of finding satisfaction and happiness in this world.
DAVE
Let me guess. Jesus?
ROSIE
Yes, “minister”. Jesus.
DAVE
(indignant) Hey, don’t use that tone. I’m licensed.
ROSIE
You need to believe in something that’s bigger and more powerful than you that will show you the path to the true meaning of life.
DAV
You say “Jesus”. I say “The Bellagio”.
